If you have never prepped for a competition before you will never know the kind of mental, physical and emotional strength it takes to see it all the way through. It is your goal and your goal only and so the concept of quitting is entirely up to you. Excuses can include things like; I don't think my body looks ready to literally I don't want to do this shit anymore. I had those thoughts and dabbled in quitting but I am glad I didn't. My goals were to see it all the way through and to look better than I did in 2011 and I can happily say that I accomplished both of those goals and went beyond them by placing 3rd in my Novice class.
The reason why I titled this "Me Vs. Everyone Else"is because everyone's experiences before and after the competition are so different. Some people have a really easy prep because they have been athletic their whole life, others have an easy prep because they have the all or nothing mentality and can easily meet their macros within 5 grams every god damn day for weeks without ever cheating or binging. After prep it's the same thing, some people don't have a cheat meal, some people go right into reverse dieting and some stuff their face for days. What is the point in all of this? I think it's extremely important to know yourself before accepting the challenge of competing. Not only will it be helpful before but after as well. I, personally, get wrapped up in what others are doing and what others think (something I have been and will work on my entire life). I am constatly seeing others be super successful; obtaining their alloted macros for the day, not binging EVER, not cheating, and even post comp I watch from a far of people who still have abs to people who just had a post contest meal a few days ago.
For me, I can only speak on what I do/did and who I am as a person when it comes to competition prep. I am not perfect, I cheat, I binge, I stuff my face and partly because of my eating disorder. M thought process is like "I can't workout, what's the point of eating good" or "I already ate 10 chips I mind as well eat 10 more, an ice-cream, go out to dinner and then eat another dessert." It isn't easy living in a body that wants to be fat but a heart and mind that want to compete nationally and become a 10x pro! I know I have the potential and that was proved to me this past competition. It was like life telling me if I get better and better I can place better and better. Competing with If It Fits Your Macros will forever be how I prep. It works for me and even though I am not perfect with it and there is room for improvement those are the things I will continue to work on until I can compete again.
Post show has been much better than my first time. The first two days after show I was sick, the next two days I stuffed my face, the next few days I ate intuitively, then I tried going back on my macros but failed, then I had an injury and had to stop working out which then caused me to continue my not so healthy eating habits.
What have I realized? The same thing I stated above, that I really could eat junk food for the rest of my life. Where will that get me? A body that I do not want to live in, that I won't feel comfortable with, that I will constantly be down on myself about. This is exactly where my drive to compete comes from because I KNOW fitness is a huge part of my life that without it I would be an unhappy person and I really do thrive off of being healthy and fit and am a happier person when I am comfortable in my own skin.
With that being said I am about to take part in a "pinkie swear" tomorrow. My swear will consist of the 3 following things for the next 30 days;
1) To be within 10 grams of fat/carbs/protein 6/7 days
2) To allow myself a cheat meal on Sundays
3) To not binge or not allow myself to binge
I think these are all obtainable things and I join you in following this journey with me!! I will be doing weekly check-in's to discuss my progress!!!
Monday, April 24, 2017
Thursday, April 20, 2017
It's been awhile!
Hello all! It has been so long since my fingers were able to write a blog. My mind, heart and soul has been wanting to get some stuff out and I finally figured out how to re-activate and get into this account.
Since the last time I was here a lot has happened. I supposed I could make all of this about my fitness but that isn't my whole life so I will start out with my family. My daughter is 3.5 and my son now 15 months and they are still as incredible as ever! My daughter is very spunky, super smart and at times can be very sneaky (woops, I think she may have inherited that from me). My son looks up to her so much and they have a great relationship together. They get under each others skin sometimes but for the most part they really need and want the other to be around. My son (Noah) has learned so much from my daughter (Aubrey). At 15 months he can seriously respond to questions with a head nod and when you aren't quite getting it he knows how to point in the direction of what he wants. I was amused yesterday when I was playing around with him and smelling his feet. I would say "ewww stinky" and set it back down, he would laugh and lift it back up to my nose! I mean come on! Seriously so intelligent!
Aubrey will be going to Pre-K this September and I really just can't grasp that. I see all of these memories on Facebook every day of her and I at home, at the park, the zoo, so little, how did she get this old already? Sometimes I ask her "do you remember Mommy taking you to this park all the time?" She says no because she was so little and it does hurt my heart to think the time I did stay at home with her she won't ever remember but we have tons of pictures and memories to show her when she is older. Not only that but I think even though she won't remember or Noah won't remember Andrew being home it really sets their foundation to trust us and helps build that bond to have a good relationship. Aubrey is at the point where she is testing her boundaries and getting into trouble a lot but they are both extremely amazing kids and I am so proud of them!
Since my last entry I have got myself a big girl job working at an alternative school as a LMSW. As much as it is not my dream job I really enjoy it and I work with some really amazing Social Workers! We are all sort of in the same age range, I am the oldest now since one of the girls already quit but age range from early 20's to mid 30's. They are all so amazing at what they do and have so much to bring to this school. I also really enjoy it because I have been learning things from each and every one of them. For me, this is my first real job having my own caseload and it has been so great to work with others that can only help me build myself up to be an amazing Social Worker. The only major and extremely horribly downfall to working is obviously being away from the kids. I really enjoyed being a stay at home mom and working part time but I knew that if I did not take this opportunity not only would we struggle financially but once I was done having children, they were all in school and grown up I would have nothing to fall back on career wise. As difficult as the choice was to go back to work full time I know it has benefited our family in so many ways and that is all that matters.
Andrew has also landed a new career and starts on Monday with Geico. I am so extremely proud of him for all of the positive changes he has made in his life the past 3 or 4 months. He has been a great stay at home dad and I know from experience that he will look back and be so grateful to have been able to be at home with them during the day. Not many people are able to experience it and I hope to again one day :) With both of our incomes we will be saving for our wedding which we FINALLY have a venue and a date for! October 13th, 2018!!!! After that we plan on getting a house. A lot of really good things to look forward to!
So I guess I will end it here for now, I have a lot more to write but since I only had this short window to type this at work (my student this period is absent) I need to get back to seeing my kiddos!
I am really excited to start blogging again as I know for me it is a really good way for me to vent and get things out. I think also it may help hold me accountable, but that's a different story!
Toodle-Lo Kanagroo!
Since the last time I was here a lot has happened. I supposed I could make all of this about my fitness but that isn't my whole life so I will start out with my family. My daughter is 3.5 and my son now 15 months and they are still as incredible as ever! My daughter is very spunky, super smart and at times can be very sneaky (woops, I think she may have inherited that from me). My son looks up to her so much and they have a great relationship together. They get under each others skin sometimes but for the most part they really need and want the other to be around. My son (Noah) has learned so much from my daughter (Aubrey). At 15 months he can seriously respond to questions with a head nod and when you aren't quite getting it he knows how to point in the direction of what he wants. I was amused yesterday when I was playing around with him and smelling his feet. I would say "ewww stinky" and set it back down, he would laugh and lift it back up to my nose! I mean come on! Seriously so intelligent!
Aubrey will be going to Pre-K this September and I really just can't grasp that. I see all of these memories on Facebook every day of her and I at home, at the park, the zoo, so little, how did she get this old already? Sometimes I ask her "do you remember Mommy taking you to this park all the time?" She says no because she was so little and it does hurt my heart to think the time I did stay at home with her she won't ever remember but we have tons of pictures and memories to show her when she is older. Not only that but I think even though she won't remember or Noah won't remember Andrew being home it really sets their foundation to trust us and helps build that bond to have a good relationship. Aubrey is at the point where she is testing her boundaries and getting into trouble a lot but they are both extremely amazing kids and I am so proud of them!
Since my last entry I have got myself a big girl job working at an alternative school as a LMSW. As much as it is not my dream job I really enjoy it and I work with some really amazing Social Workers! We are all sort of in the same age range, I am the oldest now since one of the girls already quit but age range from early 20's to mid 30's. They are all so amazing at what they do and have so much to bring to this school. I also really enjoy it because I have been learning things from each and every one of them. For me, this is my first real job having my own caseload and it has been so great to work with others that can only help me build myself up to be an amazing Social Worker. The only major and extremely horribly downfall to working is obviously being away from the kids. I really enjoyed being a stay at home mom and working part time but I knew that if I did not take this opportunity not only would we struggle financially but once I was done having children, they were all in school and grown up I would have nothing to fall back on career wise. As difficult as the choice was to go back to work full time I know it has benefited our family in so many ways and that is all that matters.
Andrew has also landed a new career and starts on Monday with Geico. I am so extremely proud of him for all of the positive changes he has made in his life the past 3 or 4 months. He has been a great stay at home dad and I know from experience that he will look back and be so grateful to have been able to be at home with them during the day. Not many people are able to experience it and I hope to again one day :) With both of our incomes we will be saving for our wedding which we FINALLY have a venue and a date for! October 13th, 2018!!!! After that we plan on getting a house. A lot of really good things to look forward to!
So I guess I will end it here for now, I have a lot more to write but since I only had this short window to type this at work (my student this period is absent) I need to get back to seeing my kiddos!
I am really excited to start blogging again as I know for me it is a really good way for me to vent and get things out. I think also it may help hold me accountable, but that's a different story!
Toodle-Lo Kanagroo!
Monday, January 25, 2016
Against the norms parenting
There are so many things that people always make sure they tell you when you are pregnant. They have their silly wives tales and shitty advice. I remember being so annoyed at the amount of crap I had to listen to. You know, make sure you sleep now, you won't ever get your body back and so on.
Fast forward to the birth of my second child and no one can give me advice because I have done it all different than the norm and end up with a toddler and a newborn, both breastfed!
My first baby was all attachment parenting. I breast fed on demand, did skin to skin daily and shared my bed with her. Every night she slept next to me in some way shape or form. There was a time period that she slept in the crib but I would welcome her with open arms when she woke up in the middle of the night. As my second child was approaching his debut I started to panic about feeding times and bed time. The thing was, although close to weaning my daughter drastically reduced the amount of times she was nursing but it started to increase more once the due date got closer. We have an amazing bond together and I was also so scared I would lose that or not have a good bond with my son.
In the hospital she was very excited to meet him but she didn't want anything to do with me. I wanted to be home so bad with everyone. All of it killed me emotionally.
I don't remember verbatim what happened that first night but I know it wasn't pretty. How do you keep your toddler, bed sharing, breastfed baby asleep when a newborn is crying every hour? Where was the advice on that?where was the advice when the newborn wanted boob and so did the toddler at 3am and the toddler is screaming her heady off because she wants attention too and you haven't quite figured out the whole tandem nursing thing.
I Will admit I lost my mind a few times. At one point begging my toddler for forgiveness. The nights continued on this way until we decided to just let the toddler be up if she was woken up. I tried so hard to shoot out of bed and grab the screaming newborn as fast as i could but when the other child is attached to the boob its not that easy. Then we realized how crabby she was because she was so tired. Oh.my.God. am I cut out for this shit? I'm starting to think maybe not
I have questioned my efforts as a mother just about every other day. The lack of sleep, the constant nursing between the two and trying to juggle attention for a toddler a newborn and a fiancé is not easy to do. Eventually the toddler got her own bed and lucky for us she loves it and not only sleeps in it but doesn't come out.
In the end it is all coming together,there will be good days and bad days but I just always keep in mind that these days won't always be here. I could start tears right now by saying how one day they will be going to school or moving out of the house and the last thing in Want is to feel regret for acting like an asshole because I was lacking sleep.
So basically parenting is hard and parenting with toddler and a newborn will make you question and second guess everything you say and do but in the end just remember one thing, the day will come when they won't be nursing, oneday it will just stop. One day they will be picked up for the last time and you won't even know it. Cherish these times,good and bad andi am leaving this blog for once in my life taking my own advice.
Fast forward to the birth of my second child and no one can give me advice because I have done it all different than the norm and end up with a toddler and a newborn, both breastfed!
My first baby was all attachment parenting. I breast fed on demand, did skin to skin daily and shared my bed with her. Every night she slept next to me in some way shape or form. There was a time period that she slept in the crib but I would welcome her with open arms when she woke up in the middle of the night. As my second child was approaching his debut I started to panic about feeding times and bed time. The thing was, although close to weaning my daughter drastically reduced the amount of times she was nursing but it started to increase more once the due date got closer. We have an amazing bond together and I was also so scared I would lose that or not have a good bond with my son.
In the hospital she was very excited to meet him but she didn't want anything to do with me. I wanted to be home so bad with everyone. All of it killed me emotionally.
I don't remember verbatim what happened that first night but I know it wasn't pretty. How do you keep your toddler, bed sharing, breastfed baby asleep when a newborn is crying every hour? Where was the advice on that?where was the advice when the newborn wanted boob and so did the toddler at 3am and the toddler is screaming her heady off because she wants attention too and you haven't quite figured out the whole tandem nursing thing.
I Will admit I lost my mind a few times. At one point begging my toddler for forgiveness. The nights continued on this way until we decided to just let the toddler be up if she was woken up. I tried so hard to shoot out of bed and grab the screaming newborn as fast as i could but when the other child is attached to the boob its not that easy. Then we realized how crabby she was because she was so tired. Oh.my.God. am I cut out for this shit? I'm starting to think maybe not
I have questioned my efforts as a mother just about every other day. The lack of sleep, the constant nursing between the two and trying to juggle attention for a toddler a newborn and a fiancé is not easy to do. Eventually the toddler got her own bed and lucky for us she loves it and not only sleeps in it but doesn't come out.
In the end it is all coming together,there will be good days and bad days but I just always keep in mind that these days won't always be here. I could start tears right now by saying how one day they will be going to school or moving out of the house and the last thing in Want is to feel regret for acting like an asshole because I was lacking sleep.
So basically parenting is hard and parenting with toddler and a newborn will make you question and second guess everything you say and do but in the end just remember one thing, the day will come when they won't be nursing, oneday it will just stop. One day they will be picked up for the last time and you won't even know it. Cherish these times,good and bad andi am leaving this blog for once in my life taking my own advice.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
C sections for life and first time mom advice
Throughout this entire pregnancy my main focus and the thing I was most determined to do was to have a vaginal birth after c section. Women do it all the time and I knew I could suck it up and push a kid out the old fashioned way (that is if they decided to come out thecorrect way). I worked out until 39 and a half weeks and all I kept hearing were people praising me for stepping foot in the gym and how easy my labor would be. I was also already tainted by Facebook posts from friends or people in groups discussing how they were only in labior for an hour or two and pushed out a kid in thuirty minutes or less. For real that shit happens? I knew the birthing process for me wouldn't be that easy but I was determined to do it on my own, determined to wait to go into labor on my own but not against pain meds as long as I could go as long as possible enduring the pain.
So we continue December 29 or was it the 28 I had my last doctor s appointment and I requested a membrane sweep. I figured it was my last shit before having to be induced since sex at this point was just not a pleasurable outcome. Anyways I was home and all of a sudden felt some liquid come out and after a call back from the doctor we were on our way to the hospital. Unfortunately Aubrey obviously couldn't stay with us so Andrewhadto drive me to the hospital with her and drive her back home where she was having a sleep over with her friends. It killed me to be without her and worry how she was doing.
Once I was admitted I waited for Andrew and started off at about 2.5 CM contractions very light. This was at about 7pm. They didn't check me often but my contractions got longer and were more painful. I felt like I was doing great and managing the pain as best I could with no pain meds so I kept going. The first time they checked which was around 1030 pm I had very little progress at around 3cm. I was already discouraged BC it seemed as if this was starting to take me back to the labor with Aubrey. Three more hours went by and I was reluctant to have them check again BC I was so scared and when they did I still had not much progress so they gave me a very low dose of petocin. I muscled through those heavier and longer contractions being in labor a total of 10 hours with no pain meds but they could tell I was getting tired and they didn't want my body to stall progress. At this point they could tell that my body was doing things on its own so they shut off the petocin but at this point decided to take a light pain killer I believe it was called newbane? Not too sure.
Anyways the time gets fuzzy here but the last time they checked I still had not progressed any further so they called my doctor who then checked me and said that his head still wasn't even down that they couldn't turn the petocin on BC his heart rate dropped a little bit already and they didn't want to take chances that at this point she dubbed me as having pelvis bones that just would never cooperate with a vaginal birth BC the babies head can not get where its supposed to be. So I needed to be prepped for a c section. I balled my eyes out during the epidural that I think I scared the anesthesiologist. They all knew how badly I wanted the VBAC but at 6:01 am I gave birth to my handsome son Noah John :)
It is disappointing when your birthing plan doesn't go as planned but my advice to first time moms is honestly don't have a plan. Practice what you need to practice for breathing and a vaginal birth but your biody and your baby make the decision of how they will be delivered not you
So we continue December 29 or was it the 28 I had my last doctor s appointment and I requested a membrane sweep. I figured it was my last shit before having to be induced since sex at this point was just not a pleasurable outcome. Anyways I was home and all of a sudden felt some liquid come out and after a call back from the doctor we were on our way to the hospital. Unfortunately Aubrey obviously couldn't stay with us so Andrewhadto drive me to the hospital with her and drive her back home where she was having a sleep over with her friends. It killed me to be without her and worry how she was doing.
Once I was admitted I waited for Andrew and started off at about 2.5 CM contractions very light. This was at about 7pm. They didn't check me often but my contractions got longer and were more painful. I felt like I was doing great and managing the pain as best I could with no pain meds so I kept going. The first time they checked which was around 1030 pm I had very little progress at around 3cm. I was already discouraged BC it seemed as if this was starting to take me back to the labor with Aubrey. Three more hours went by and I was reluctant to have them check again BC I was so scared and when they did I still had not much progress so they gave me a very low dose of petocin. I muscled through those heavier and longer contractions being in labor a total of 10 hours with no pain meds but they could tell I was getting tired and they didn't want my body to stall progress. At this point they could tell that my body was doing things on its own so they shut off the petocin but at this point decided to take a light pain killer I believe it was called newbane? Not too sure.
Anyways the time gets fuzzy here but the last time they checked I still had not progressed any further so they called my doctor who then checked me and said that his head still wasn't even down that they couldn't turn the petocin on BC his heart rate dropped a little bit already and they didn't want to take chances that at this point she dubbed me as having pelvis bones that just would never cooperate with a vaginal birth BC the babies head can not get where its supposed to be. So I needed to be prepped for a c section. I balled my eyes out during the epidural that I think I scared the anesthesiologist. They all knew how badly I wanted the VBAC but at 6:01 am I gave birth to my handsome son Noah John :)
It is disappointing when your birthing plan doesn't go as planned but my advice to first time moms is honestly don't have a plan. Practice what you need to practice for breathing and a vaginal birth but your biody and your baby make the decision of how they will be delivered not you
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Pregnant with a toddler
When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I was pleasantly not surprised. I knew it. There were a few doubts in my mind but in that deep down uterus I knew implantation was going on. My first sign of it? My second last day at my job I was deathly ill to the point where I literally told my co workers I wasn't doing shit that day. I also remember them trying to require me and they did not give two fucks that I thought I was about to die.. Assholes
Fast forward to the pregnancy...in the beginning I felt like I knew I was in for a different pregnancy than the first, right again. I felt nauseous but never puked and the summer heat was dreadful. Another aspect to this pregnancy was that this time I had a toddler which made it 10x more challenging because on the regular I had to push through for her no matter how hot,tired or lazy I felt. She needed to be in constant motion because that's what her life needed. I remember many fun trips to the splash pad and park,grandma and grandpa's pool and many walks that got shorter and shorter ad the pregnancy went on
The third trimester was by far the hardest as the pounds set in and Noah decided to make a new home on my sciatic nerve. At this point being pregnant with a toddler was an everyday battle between feeling like the worst mom in the world and trying my hardest to be as active as I could for my daughter. I feel as if I was pretty successful but I noticed myself complaining more and more about the pain, the breathlessness and the exhaustion. I was ready for him to be here and I still had a good month Left
Luckily for me my daughter is incredibly smart and when I tell her I am soreahe understands and so when I tell her I can't hold her for long or sit on the hard floor and would say "mommys sore?"" Yes mommy is sore" "OK"
Then the pregnancy hormones kick in and I find myself contemplating what kind of mother I am going to be,how I am going to keep the m!significant bond that my daughter and I have and more importantly how the fuck do you take care of a newborn and a toddler when both of them will want the boob all day long?! I was losing my mind with my own thoughts and worries.
I also was pressured by the docs at the end to makd a decision about being induced, what day I wanted it to be since my due date was Christmas this that and the third. All I knew was I didn't want to be induced and I didn't want to have another c section unless medically necessary.
Then I noticed my water broke on Sunday December 28th,2015 and my doctor sent me in to the hospital where it was confirmed to be amniotic fluid.......
Fast forward to the pregnancy...in the beginning I felt like I knew I was in for a different pregnancy than the first, right again. I felt nauseous but never puked and the summer heat was dreadful. Another aspect to this pregnancy was that this time I had a toddler which made it 10x more challenging because on the regular I had to push through for her no matter how hot,tired or lazy I felt. She needed to be in constant motion because that's what her life needed. I remember many fun trips to the splash pad and park,grandma and grandpa's pool and many walks that got shorter and shorter ad the pregnancy went on
The third trimester was by far the hardest as the pounds set in and Noah decided to make a new home on my sciatic nerve. At this point being pregnant with a toddler was an everyday battle between feeling like the worst mom in the world and trying my hardest to be as active as I could for my daughter. I feel as if I was pretty successful but I noticed myself complaining more and more about the pain, the breathlessness and the exhaustion. I was ready for him to be here and I still had a good month Left
Luckily for me my daughter is incredibly smart and when I tell her I am soreahe understands and so when I tell her I can't hold her for long or sit on the hard floor and would say "mommys sore?"" Yes mommy is sore" "OK"
Then the pregnancy hormones kick in and I find myself contemplating what kind of mother I am going to be,how I am going to keep the m!significant bond that my daughter and I have and more importantly how the fuck do you take care of a newborn and a toddler when both of them will want the boob all day long?! I was losing my mind with my own thoughts and worries.
I also was pressured by the docs at the end to makd a decision about being induced, what day I wanted it to be since my due date was Christmas this that and the third. All I knew was I didn't want to be induced and I didn't want to have another c section unless medically necessary.
Then I noticed my water broke on Sunday December 28th,2015 and my doctor sent me in to the hospital where it was confirmed to be amniotic fluid.......
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